![]() When the fight does eventually stop, each person will have had yet another emotionally invalidating experience. Our reactions to intensely negative, angry and shame-filled emotions lead to even greater conflict as the emotional intensity heightens. Sadly, we are all likely to make negative judgements about ourselves, either in the moment or later as we count the cost. In turn, they are probably making similar judgements about us. We may label our partner’s behaviour as cruel, abusive, disrespectful, unloving, unkind, unappreciative, or devaluing. In turn, these negative reactions from other people intensify the feeling of threat and lead to further judgements. This is especially likely if that other person is themselves emotionally vulnerable. Our out-of-control behaviour and inaccurate expression of underlying emotion usually elicit negative, invalidating or unsympathetic responses from other people. We do not feel safe enough in that moment to recognise, let alone express, the more vulnerable feelings that might be at the root of our emotional reaction. When we are in this state of mind, our actions frequently come across as extreme and out of control. ![]() These actions are designed to help us escape from or overpower the other person. In this state of angry emotional hyperarousal, we tend to become more aggressive and to express hostility. This causes us to become intensely angry and to overreact and say or do things that may have very negative consequences. Instead, we focus on the short-term overwhelming desire to escape from or control the unpleasant situation. When we become flooded with negative emotion, we lose the ability to think clearly and to focus on what is important to us in the long-term ( e.g. It is the combination of emotional sensitivity and a negative judgement that leads to extremely heightened emotional reactions. That negative emotional experience can get combined with a negative judgement about what is happening (e.g., this shouldn’t be happening, it’s not fair, I don’t deserve this, you’re going to leave me, I can’t cope with this). When situations in the present are perceived as invalidating (for example, when we perceive a lack of sympathy, understanding, love or care), it triggers negative emotional reactions. Our core self-esteem reflects the belief that we are a worthwhile, lovable person, who is capable and competent and has inherent value and dignity. Invalidation often occurs at an age when we are dependent on other people to provide us with the safety and validation we need to help us to feel good about ourselves. ![]() Core needs include the need for physical safety, sympathy and understanding, or emotional warmth and guidance. Invalidating experiences are those life events or circumstances that deprive you of your core needs. According to DBT, people who have a history of emotionally invalidating experiences, whether in childhood, past relationships, or both, can become very emotionally sensitive to certain types of events. Underlying this skills-based approach to managing emotion is a model of how emotional sensitivity leads to conflict, and conflict in turn leads to more emotional sensitivity. These skills include learning to express underlying emotion accurately and to validate ourselves and our partner. There are ways to manage emotions in relationships effectively in order to communicate better, focus on what we want in the long-term, and shift our focus from being “right” to being effective. Sometimes, the cost of trying not to have a feeling is the wellbeing of the relationship, of our partner, or of our self-esteem. That is especially true when those feelings are very negative. Too little and everything becomes bland and cerebral too much and we become focused on doing anything, at any cost, to make those feelings stop. Having the right amount of emotion, though, is key. Emotion is a vital ingredient in all a spects of life without it, we could no more enjoy the pleasures of life than we could enjoy our favourite meal without the use of our senses. If we want to understand conflict, especially conflict that gets out of hand, we need to understand the role of emotions in relationships. It is based on the writings of Alan Fruzzetti, including his self-help book The High Conflict Couple, as well as Marsha Linehan’s original ground-breaking work on treating borderline personality disorder. This article is a summary of some of the thoughts and strategies behind a Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) approach to couple conflict. ![]() These skills can help us to manage conflict better. There are skills we can learn to express our emotions constructively and to validate our partner. Getting and giving the love and support we want can sometimes be challenging. ![]()
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